she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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