I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so let's talk penis.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
