Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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