But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
