He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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