is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize