Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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