I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
