just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
