see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
