the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
