I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize