Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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