soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
