I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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