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I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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