those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
