Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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