420 ftw
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
