I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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