i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
