Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
