That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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