i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
