just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Vodka?
Forever.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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