Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
