i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
