im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
