My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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