He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
