I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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