nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
