this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
is that a dick in a sweater?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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