Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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