I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
