Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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