Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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