I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
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