i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
