When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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