Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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