foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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