The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
