Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
