look no pants
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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