Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Randomize
