Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
