the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
this just has baby written all over it
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
