so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
