It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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