Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
