happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
