Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize