I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
no. you can't hotbox the world.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Randomize
