did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
