i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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