Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
