I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
