I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
