hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
