If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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